Anti-Government Populace Weirdly Fully Onboard with Federal Government’s Control of Clocks
After months of The Big Dark, Seattle finally welcomed the time change today, meaning, for the first time in months, the sun will finally set after 6p. “I’ve been depressed for months due to the Big Dark,” said Seattle resident Joy Mitchell. “Does this lead me to smoke a little extra weed in winter? Sure, but who is the government to tell me what I can and can’t do in my home and around my city.” We spoke with local area driver Matt Mayberry, who mentioned he has to speed home to catch any remaining glimmer of sunlight. “The speed limit is really just an idea, no one can really enforce it even if it’s the law. Sadly, the only way to get more daylight is to speed, so that’s just what I have to do,” said Matt. We reached out to other residents about whether the federal government should have any say on topics related to their personal health, and they said adamantly not; if they need care the government can suck it. Meanwhile, they’re totally cool with the government’s months long attack on their mental and physical health, keeping them from experiencing 6p sunsets even though the sun has been setting after 6p since January 25th.
— Michael Mayfield
